Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
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I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I wanna be friends with this person
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*