All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
You Might Also Like
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
My dad.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down