What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
You Might Also Like
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks