if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
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My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I’m tired tomorrow.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.