Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
You Might Also Like
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*