The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
You Might Also Like
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.