“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
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Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I love the honesty
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.