I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
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What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Thinking about Jeff
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.