Can’t stop laughing
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I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.