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My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see