Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
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It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope