thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
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Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
is it earth
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker