May have had one breakfast too many
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Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.