me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
You Might Also Like
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Oh hi lol
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.