my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
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if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?