Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
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[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem