I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
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Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.