I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
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Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
nobody’s gonna understand
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
#JohnTravolta
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”