I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
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Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank