Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
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In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.