if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
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Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Labreador
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?