[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
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One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I didn’t realize that was an option
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
finally found a reasonable question
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.