NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
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[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Every work meeting this week
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.