I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
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Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
2 years later
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”