I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
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the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
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