Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
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Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.