7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
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her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
The pasta is now
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
#NeverForget
You sure about that?
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.