I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
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20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
The happy life.. 😊
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit