yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
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The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Chicago sounds lovely.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
accurate
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Oh thanks BBC.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”