*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
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kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy