Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
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We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
A wise man once said nothing.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?