“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
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Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.