Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
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*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector