My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
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[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Me, reading some of your tweets
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.