If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
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I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.