Being rude underwater is snarkeling
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lmao
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.