“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
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Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell