INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
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i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.