*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
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I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.