[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
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I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
What a year we’ve had this week.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
plant them where lol
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year