Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
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sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner