I have so many questions.
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corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
My kitchen overserved me.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH