Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
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Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Made something I’m not proud of
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind