Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
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I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
me and who
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem