My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
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‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape