Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
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me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Classic German Shepherd 😂
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed