Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
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I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
*has no idea what a book even is*
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.