*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
You Might Also Like
Worlds greatest photobomb
A fake ID that makes you younger
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I finally found a reason to live again.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?