COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
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Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.