*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
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Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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